This is about dirty talk. Well, mostly. Perhaps I should say it is about erotic sound, which includes dirty talk, moans, groans, grunts, exclamations, and the utterance of other sounds during sex or its prelude. I like to refer to it as aural sex.
I have to caution you, this isn’t going to be one of those “I love it when you run your hands along my thighs” kinds of dirty talk pieces. That’s not “dirty talk” so much as it might be erotic talk. Anyone can write and talk that drivel, and that’s not what most of my readers are looking for. You can do a Google search for how to talk dirty and get that stuff. This is oriented toward those who want to talk and act like real sluts in the bedroom, or those who want to be treated like a slut in the bedroom (and the partners who love them). I’m going to assume you want to talk like a slut and not “lead up to it” with cheesy stuff.
I’m also not going to get into the socio-political issues surrounding the use of these words or what they represent. A great many so-called “feminists” don’t believe using words like slut or whore in the bedroom is ever acceptable. I take a much broader view of this concept in that it doesn’t matter what the history or context of these words were in the past or how they’ve been used by anyone else on the planet (which is not to say that I don’t understand them). The only thing that matters between you and your partner is that the two of you are warm and fuzzy with their use between yourselves (or moving in that direction). Don’t worry about someone telling you that it is “degrading” or some shit like that about this kind of stuff. Quite often, that’s half the fun.
Now, with that out of the way…
You’ve no doubt heard that the brain is the largest sex organ. The brain takes all of the information available to it from the body’s various sensors and forms a collective image of what the body is experiencing, subject to the interpretation of the psyche, of course. If it has inputs from a collection of erotic sights, sounds, tastes, smells, and feelings, it generally presents a very good feeling indeed for most people.
Sound is one of the brain’s primary tools for interpreting what’s going on around you. You hear the sounds of a siren, you know there’s trouble. You hear the sound of a cat purring, you know he’s content. What about if you hear (in the bedroom) the word slut? Cock? Cunt? Pussy? Whore? Bitch?
The use of sensual, erotic, dirty words and noises goes a long way towards helping form a complete sensual image of what is taking place. Adding erotic sound to your sexual repertoire is akin to adding a side course to your typical dinner. You can have just a steak and a baked potato, but if you had the option of adding a salad to it or a vegetable garnish of some type, wouldn’t that make the meal even more delicious? Erotic sound feeds your sexual meal the same way – you can have simple, straight sex, but if you could add in the additional component of sound to help boost your arousal, wouldn’t it be worth that?
Of course, many people would likely agree, but many folks just don’t know how to do it, or rather, how to do it effectively. Many are even scared to try, in fact. Some people were taught that bad words were verboten, or that only sluts or assholes used dirty words, or can’t get away from the idea that being called a a dirty name is tantamount to being ostracized or shamed. That stigma can be hard to overcome, even for those who desire to take that leap.
It is necessary to overcome it, however, if you want to be able to effectively use dirty words when you’re fucking someone. Your partner will be able to tell if you’re just mechanically uttering words, or speaking words for which you have no passion. You’ll sound like someone fresh out of a cheesy porno.
The first step, as is almost invariably the case when it comes to anything involving sex between two people, is communicating with your partner. If you want to talk dirty or want your partner to talk dirty in the bedroom, the only way to approach it is to bring it up and talk about it, preferably outside the bedroom when you’re not engaged sexually. You may find that one of you is uncomfortable talking like that (or being talked to like that). And if there’s no way to overcome that, then the other partner has to respect it and drop the subject unless and until the other person brings it up again themselves or something changes in your relationship. As with anything sexual, pressuring a partner into doing something they’re not warm and fuzzy with can damage your relationship, so keep that in mind.
So, once you’ve decided to experiment with talking dirty, how do you do it?
There are three primary components of voice that determine how your message (those fucking naughty words, in this case) is received.
- What you say. You have to pick the right words, appropriate for the particular situation.
- How you say it. You have to say it the right way.
- How you sound. You have to say it with the right tone of voice. Sometimes you need to yell it loudly; other times, a whispered naughty word is just more appropriate.
Choose Your Words Carefully
The words you use have to be appropriate for the situation. And while the ubiquitous F-word can be used in just about any situation, many words have limited application.
The words have to have impact to work. They have to be appropriate for the specific situation, and they have to not seem forced or mechanical. And you don’t want to sound too clinical, either. Penis and vagina are medical words, not dirty words (despite your sex ed teacher blushing every time s/he said them!). Don’t ask your partner to suck your penis, or lick your vagina! The terms dick, cock, pussy, and cunt were invented for a reason. Use them! And for the love of all that is right with the world, don’t use vajayjay to refer to your cunt when you’re having sex!!! (In fact, never use that word at all!)
By way of personal preference, I generally don’t use the words dick and pussy. To me they just sound too juvenile; words you’d hear on a middle school playground. I prefer the terms cock and cunt – they sound more serious, more worldly, and they have a greater psychological impact when they’re used. I’ll ask a guy if he wants me to suck his cock, for example, or tell a woman I’m with that I want her to bury her face in my cunt. I understand that many people, females especially, have a problem with the “c” word, so pussy is just fine if that’s what you want to use.
The terms butt and ass can be used, but the specific situation dictates which one should be used. Butt is a little more playful (Stick it in my butt), whereas ass is a bit more dirty (Stick it in my ass). The raunchy version of this would use the term asshole (Stick it in my asshole, or, fuck my asshole). Do you see how each of those three phrases convey a slightly different feel when you say them? You could get really raunchy and use the term shithole, if you like. I’ve made guys cum instantly by telling them to “fuck my dirty shithole” before.
I have a love-hate relationship with euphemisms for breasts. I think the word tits is too juvenile, but the only other words are either too cutesy or out-of-place sounding (honkers, knockers, etc). Boobs just doesn’t work in slutdom (again, a bit too cutesy), though, so tits seems to be the general favorite (“Suck/Bite/Slap/Fuck my tits!“).
The terms you use to tell someone to have sex with you can be dirty or not. Fuck me, of course, is the ubiquitous dirty version. Do me is an option you might consider – it has a slightly different psychological impact even without containing a naughty word. The mere connotation alone is enough to generate arousal. Fuck me is generally taken to mean have rough sex with me, whereas do me has a more “take me and use me” kind of flavor to it.
It is possible to overuse dirty words, of course. And doing so leads to a lessening of their impact. The intent of dirty words during sex is the heightening of arousal of one or more of the partners involved in the sex play. A string of dirty words thrown together without any thought for their impact will indeed have little impact, and if so, usually negative. So be careful that you vocalize them judiciously.
And avoid cheesy sounding words or nonsensical words for your parts. For example, fuckstick is just too silly of a word to use for your cock. The same may be true for fuckhole for the cunt or ass. You can use them for playful situations, but when you’re in the heat of a sexual encounter, using one of those words (or something similar to them) is more likely to generate a laugh than arousal. If you’re wanting to play really dirty, slut hole can be used for the mouth or cunt (or even the asshole, for that matter). This is more effective when used by a guy referring to a woman’s parts.
Where can you find words to play with? One of the best sources, of course, is porn. I’d caution that though porn may be a good source of words and phrases to use, as a general rule you shouldn’t use them like they do in porn. Porn is often way overacted (how ironic is that to say?), and they tend to over do it with the use of dirty words. Probably the only words that should be used over and over again are fuck or shit when they’re being used to convey orgasm or something else that feels really good (or that is a pleasurable pain).
Literotica is a site for erotic stories and there are some really good writers featured there. Read through some of the better rated stories and you’ll find a variety of unique words and phrases that might be useful to you. Again, just make sure you don’t get cheesy with it. Some advisers I’ve read will suggest that it’s okay to be cheesy because “all dirty words are.” I disagree with that. I believe well placed dirty words go a long way toward creating a state of arousal that makes sex play considerably more intense. It’s how you use them that make them cheesy!
I’d also caution you that your words need to be geared toward your partner. Even though the stereotype for guys says they get off on hearing dirty words over and over, everyone is different. You’ll need to feel your partner out and figure out what s/he likes and doesn’t like. Some girls, for example, are not going to like the word cunt, so you’ll have to use the word pussy or some other substitute. As a part of your conversation you should talk about the specific words that turn you on, if there are any.
Sluts, Whores, Bitches, and Cunts
As I’ve alluded to in the foregoing paragraphs, the single biggest issue that you’re going to face when deciding about dirty talk revolves around what I like to refer to as the “big four”: Slut, whore, bitch, and cunt. All four of these terms are very psychologically powerful, especially for women, and if misused can ruin a relationship instantly. This is where it becomes even more important to talk about the use of words BEFORE you get in bed, in the heat of sexual battle. A misplaced slut will turn the unprepared woman off like a light bulb (and may result in physical damage to your person).
The terms slut and whore both convey a sense of “bad girl,” and with the way these words are treated in middle and high school it can be quite difficult to overcome the stigma associated with them to reclaim them as your own words used for your own pleasure.
When you’re in middle or high school, the sluts aren’t just the girls who are believed to be promiscuous, but rather included just about anyone who seemed or acted different in any way; it’s not used solely as a word for those brave enough to enjoy their own sexuality. It doesn’t really take on a purely sexual aura until college or later. The point here is that you shouldn’t be surprised to find that only women who’ve been out of high school for a couple of years or more receptive to its use in the bedroom. (“That’s it. Suck my cock you little slut.” “I feel like being a little slut and swallowing your cock.”)
Whore technically refers to someone who exchanges sex for money or something of value. Many women have a fantasy of being able to charge for their sexual services, so this word can be quite the powerful one. For every woman that gets off on the fantasy that she could sell her sex, there’s one who has some negativity towards the very concept, though. (“I’m going to fuck you like the whore you are.“)
Bitch is a loaded word that is often used to denigrate someone. It’s almost ubiquitous use in everyday lexicon means that it’s general impact is going to be reduced, so you need to pick the right time to use it. It’s feminine derivative means that it can only be used with a female as its target, so you need to ensure the woman you’re with is comfortable with you using it during sex. As a general rule, it should only be used in a sex scene where there is a clear intent to express dominance. (“Suck my cock, bitch.“)
Cunt is a word referring to the female genitalia, and is often used as a pejorative for an individual woman (often in lieu of the word bitch or when someone want’s to convey utter disgust with her). For the longest time I would never use that word, even to refer to my pussy. And I’ve never used it as a pejorative at all that I can recall. I’ve come to adopt it as my official word for my genitals, though, because it is a strong word and has forceful impact. The fact that it does have such impact and is used so often to denigrate women specifically by referring to them as their genitals means that many females are going to have a problem with it. (“I want to fuck your cunt.” “Tongue fuck my cunt.”)
With each of the “big four,” you and your partner need to talk about them and set boundaries for how and when they are used. You may decide the bedroom is the only place they can be used. You may also decide that they can be used outside the bedroom when they’re directed at generating sexual arousal. For example, I might walk up behind a female partner and whisper into her ear “Are you wet, slut?” to let her know that I am looking for some sex play. I know women who have the word “slut” or “cunt” tattooed on them as their way of owning the words.
Choose How You Say It
Using dirty words to communicate during sex almost invariably precludes you from talking in a normal tone of voice. You want to use your voice to convey sexiness, sultriness, or sensuality. Saying fuck me in a banal, normal tone of voice does practically nothing in terms of conveying a desire for sex, but whispered into a partner’s ear (after a long kiss) or said breathlessly from a prone position in the bed while masturbating will have a positive effect.
Consider using sounds, rather than words. You don’t always have to use words to communicate erotically during sex. Grunts, moans and gasps go a long way toward communicating what you’re feeling. I have this little thing where I (involuntarily) gasp when the head of a cock penetrates my asshole. That feeling just sends a wave through my body and it comes out of my mouth in the form of a wash of air that forms a gasp. Consider the effect it has on the guy penetrating me! It lets him know that I felt his head push through – that I sensed it and it felt good. Conversely, a cry or a scream would suggest it hurt.
Little moans and groans can let your partner know that you’re enjoying what they’re doing to you. Again, I’m not suggesting you do the “porn” thing and moan gratuitously with every thrust of the cock or the tongue, but the occasional grunt or moan is an excellent way to provide feedback to your partner to let him/her know that the way s/he’s moving that tongue around the head of your cock/clit is “working” for you. I much prefer to have someone do that then just lie there with me wondering if what I am doing is feeling good to them or not.
Timbre is the sound characteristics of your voice; how you tell one sound from another. You’ll often hear the term used in the musical world. The timbre of a French Horn is different from that of a flute, for example. That’s how you can tell which is which when you hear them in an orchestral performance. Here, timbre is the characteristic of how your voice sounds when you utter a specific word. You can yell something, say it in normal voice, or whisper it. And it is important to understand when it is appropriate to do which.
For example, when my client pushes the head of his cock into my cunt, I could yell “fuck.” That would make it sound as if it hurt. Or I could just say “fuck” in a normal voice. It’d have little impact in all likelihood; it’d sound mechanical. But if I said “fuck” under my breath, perhaps with an exhalation of breath, it makes it sound as if his cock going inside me feels incredible. An “Oh, god” would work just as well, of course.
A few weeks ago, I went home with a couple I met while on the road. It was their thing to pick up a single woman, take her home with them and indulge themselves in a threesome with her. As I was lying on top of the guy, him fucking me in a cowgirl position, his girlfriend came up behind me and just dove right into my asshole. I happened to have my face down by his ear, and after I gasped, I whispered to him in a hushed voice “Your hot little wife has her tongue buried deep in my asshole.” That sent him over the edge and into an immediate orgasm. Had I just said those words in a normal tone of voice, the result would likely have not been so dramatic.
In order to make it work, you’re going to have to practice using the words, either alone or with each other. My personal favorite is to use them while I am masturbating. I’ll be penetrating myself with a dildo talking about “Fuck me,” and all of that. You want to practice vocalizing the words in different ways as you might with a partner present. Determine what works for you – what sounds hot or sexy to you. Get used to hearing yourself say the words, how they sound with different inflections, and how they sound with the different timbres you can muster. The first step is getting yourself comfortable with how you sound saying the words.
There’s only so much you can do by yourself, though. One of the best ways often recommended to practice talking nasty is to talk dirty to your partner over the phone, either as purely phone sex, or as foreplay – a prelude to sex later on. This allows you to use the words without being right in front of your partner and will allow you figure out which words and word combinations have more impact on your partner.
When your partner asks what you’re doing, you could say, “I’m just practicing being a slut, playing with my cunt,” or “I’m just sitting here playing with my cock, imagining that I was fucking your tight little cunt (or asshole) with it.”
One other point that I need to make here is that you need to use the words as if you own them and they reflect your innate sense of you as a sexual being. In the previous example, I could’ve suggested you say “I’m just practicing being a slut for you,” but I left those last two words off. The words will mean more, and come across as more genuine if you actually feel the words; make them your own, and make them convey that you are the essence of sex when you say them. You’re not doing this for your partner (hopefully), but rather you’re doing it because it’s what you want to do, what you’re driven to do – to be sex. You’re practicing being a slut, and including your partner in that through the words. That’ll make it so much more effective for your partner, and that will transfer back to you when the two of you engage later.
Go Forth and Talk like a Real Slut
It’d be easy to write a full book on how to talk dirty effectively in the bedroom (and outside the bedroom as well, actually). So it’s impossible as a practical matter for me to try to cover everything in a single blog post. This was designed as a short introduction to help you understand some of the basics, though. There’s much more to it than just uttering words, as you can easily see.
The most important things to keep in mind are knowing when to use which words, which words are off limits for your particular relationship, knowing how to use them, and using the words as if they reflect you as sex. That last point is key because if you can’t convey that they’re coming from you as an honest extension of your sexual persona, then they’re not going to have much of an impact on your partner.
Remember: Say it like you mean it! ;-)
If you have any tips or suggestions, or want to discuss how you integrate dirty talk into your sex play, feel free to share them.
And by the way, if anyone has any recommendations for a good book that everyone can use to really learn how to talk dirty, feel free to point it out in the comments. I’m not looking for books that consider “Brush your hands along my thighs, lover,” as “dirty talk,” by the way. I’m looking for something that really explains how to get nasty in the bedroom, boardroom, bathroom, or wherever you elect to fuck.