Essential Skills for Today’s Slut

Let me preface this post by clarifying why it is written. I’m a big fan of sluts, responsible sluts at least. I admire the fact that they’re comfortable with their sexuality and allow themselves the luxury of indulging in sexual exploration when they feel like it without being overly concerned about what society or it’s more judgmental, moralistic, or prudish members might have to say about it.

But sluts get a bad rap in our culture. Early in our development we come to understand the concept of the slut as someone who’s trashy, different, atypical, or overly sexual (more so than is considered “appropriate” for their age, grade, gender, class rank, or clique). And though it’s not unheard of for the moniker to be applied to the male members of society, it is used almost exclusively as a put down for women, often BY other women. (And I am writing this article specifically with female sluts as its target) In middle school and high school, just about the worst thing you can be called is a slut.

I’ll be the first to admit that I am a slut. That’s not quite the surprise for those of you who’re familiar with my history. I embrace my sexuality as a core component of who I am, and I allow myself to explore connection to other human beings through the nexus of sexuality. And since I don’t hide my sexual self, much of society considers me a slut.

The difference, to me, is that I don’t accept the term slut as defaulting to a negative or pejorative. I think it is perfectly acceptable for a woman to be a slut and to enjoy being a slut. And just as I believe prostitutes can and should lay claim to the word whore, so, too, do I believe that sexually adventurous women should lay claim to the word slut

In common parlance, the term slut refers to someone who is sexually promiscuous. Promiscuity, too, has gotten a bad rap over time, but it really just refers to someone who is willing to share their sexuality with multiple partners. And although people like to associate indiscriminate sharing with promiscuity, that is not necessarily the case, despite it being part of the standard dictionary definition. Indiscriminate implies that no thought or decision-making goes into who the slut fucks, but that is very, very rarely the case, even with the most die-hard sluts. They just don’t apply the same discriminators to their decision making that someone else might.

Historically, of course, men have been permitted to do this without incurring the slut or promiscuous label; it’s been fine for them to fuck around (even the term used to denote a male slut, stud, is more often as an ego booster than a pejorative). The story is different for women, of course. It’s always been seen as bad or dirty for a woman to be promiscuous, or, well, slutty. It’s used as justification for everything from being fired from a job and losing custody of children to being raped and even murdered in some cultures, all in the name of protecting a family’s “honor.”

I reject the negativity associated with the concept of slutdom, though, and, indeed, suggest that the slut in modern times is a magnificent creature, worthy of respect and honor.

Today’s slut is responsible, educated, and confident; she’s sexually adventuresome and won’t live by society’s random constraints on her personal sexual behavior. If she’s of a mind to pick up a guy in a club, take him into the bathroom and blow him, then she’ll do it. If a woman she meets at a professional conference asks her back to the room for a nightcap, she can accept understanding (hoping?) that it might turn into a ribald, lesbian romp. She fucks, but does so safely, responsibly, and consensually.

In 1997, Dossie Eaton and Catherine Liszt made quite a splash with their book on responsible polyamory, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Possibilities. The book was a treatise on sexual freedom for the modern woman. In 2006, they followed it up with an updated version that explained how to manage polyamorous and open relationships. It is on my Recommended Reading List, in fact. If it were up to me, I’d require every woman to read it before becoming sexually active.

If you’ve read “The Ethical Slut,” you know there’s a chapter in the book entitled “Slut Skills.” This is a list of skills that the authors believe every woman who’s going to engage in polyamorous play should have. Those skills, as they’re paraphrased here [PDF] by Mina Meow include:

  • Self-awareness: Know yourself… what do you want? What do you need?
  • Communication: Talk! Talk! Talk! Be clear with your partner(s) about your desires, wants, needs, intentions, expectations, feelings, plans, etc. Make sure they understand you and vice versa! Communication is an ongoing process!
  • Patience & Compassion: Navigating alternative relationships is not easy- approach all aspects with thoughtful self-assessment, honesty, mutual nonjudgmental support, respect, compassionate listening, and a willingness to compromise, if necessary.
  • Honesty: Be honest with yourself and your partner(s).
  • Boundaries: Set personal boundaries about what you want, need, and value and then stick to them. Do things out of desire, not a need to please a partner.
  • Personal Responsibility: Own your actions and feelings… no one can make you feel a certain way. Take control of your feelings and relationship!

For the most part, those are all introspective skills; the authors refer to them as one’s “internal landscape.” They are all very necessary and very valid skills that you need to have for yourself if you’re going to engage in slutty behavior, of that I concur with the authors wholeheartedly.

But there is a skill set you need to have for those you’d serve – outwardly visible skills if you will; skills you need to be able to demonstrate your sluttiness to others around you, in particular those who you’re intent upon engaging in some act of sex.

These are just my opinions, of course. You may have a different outlook and you’re welcome to express that in a comment below if you are moved to do so. But I just think these traits are part and parcel for any woman who wants to lay claim to the title of slut.

Self Confidence: If you lack confidence in yourself and your ability to engage others sexually, you’re going to have problems being a successful slut. It is quite possible to act slutty and lack self confidence, yes. In fact, many who slut around indiscriminately and unsafely do so specifically because they lack self confidence – they just fuck around in an attempt to find appreciation or love missing from their lives (which is unhealthy). Today’s slut loves, appreciates, and understands herself in every way and is comfortable in her role as a slut, however.

Open Mindedness: Today’s slut is open minded – open to new experiences, new ways of thinking about themselves and sexuality, and open to exploration of new concepts and techniques. When someone suggests they try X, she doesn’t outright reject it without due consideration.

Fashion Sense: Today’s slut knows how to dress the part – how to dress in a sexually enhancing and suggestive way without appearing to be skanky or trashy (unless the situation calls for it). Simple things like wearing no underwear to make it easier to engage in a sexual liaison define the slut’s choice of attire, whereas the visible thong above jeans appears more skanky than sluttish to most people. Learning these nuances and how to use them is essential to the art of sluttitude.

Knowledge of sexual techniques & creativity: Today’s slut is knowledgeable regarding a wide range of sexual techniques and skills, to include everything from advanced oral sex skills, to ass play, to how to engage in rough play safely. The slut needs to know how to do more than just suck a cock and fuck in a couple of positions.  The Slut Lessons Blog is intended to help you with this part of the mix.

Enthusiasm for Sex: You cannot be a slut and lack enthusiasm for sex – it just doesn’t compute. In fact, perhaps no other single skill or trait is more important to slutdom than having an enthusiastic love of sexual performance and allowing it to shine during sex with a partner.

Ability to Communicate: This might be an expansion of the concept articulated by the original authors, but it is a critical skill to have. A slut needs to be able to communicate with partners and potential partners about and during sex. That includes, for example, knowing sexual terminology (including when and when not to use certain words), understanding and applying the concept of mutually informed consent, and understanding body language during the sex act. A slut will know how to read a partner’s physical responses to what she’s doing and know how to modify her techniques and approaches to adapt to her partner’s needs. The slut must recognize that each person’s sexual proclivities are unique and that some adaptation might be necessary to please a partner, and be willing and able to accept instruction from a partner and learning from it without allowing it to bruise her ego. The slut must also understand that sex between two or more individuals must be consensual, based on a full knowledge and understanding of the facts, and would not take advantage of someone who is not in a position to give consent freely.

Ability to separate sex and emotion: The slut must be able to distinguish between sex and emotion; able to enjoy the physical aspects of the sex act without becoming emotionally involved. In fact, if you are unable to separate emotional connectivity and sex, you’ll likely have problems achieving slutdom as it is commonly understood. This doesn’t preclude the slut from becoming emotionally attached to any specific individual, however.

Robust understanding of sexual psychology, seduction, enticement, etc.: The slut must understand how human sexual psychology works, why it works, and how to apply the concepts of flirting, enticement, seduction, etc., to achieve a sexual goal. The slut should be able to convince anyone to join her in the bedroom (whether that be through brute sexual compulsion or suave, seductive enticement).

Willingness to perform; sexual availability; promiscuity: Though not expected to be available 24/7 to serve others sexually, a true slut must be sexually available the majority of the time, willing to engage in sex at the drop of a hat, and willing to take advantage of an opportunity to engage another person sexually, even initiating the sex act herself if she is so moved. If you’re monogamous and do not engage in sex outside a single committed partner, it’s going to be hard to convince others that you are indeed a slut. You may engage in slutty behavior with that one person, but the very root of the concept of slutdom is promiscuity; monogamy is the antithesis of promiscuity.

Knowledge and application of safe sex & hygiene techniques: Today’s slut is a clean and safe slut. She engages in safe sex play, gets tested periodically, and carries the appropriate protective items with her since she never knows when a sexual opportunity will arise. Her personal hygiene is such that partners enjoy being intimately intertwined with her.

Knowledge that her sexuality is power; knows how to use it; isn’t afraid to use it: Today’s slut understands the nature of female sexual energy and power and knows how to use it to her advantage to find and seduce partners. She’s not scared of the energy and not afraid to use it when it is to her benefit or advantage.

Discretion: Today’s slut knows when it is appropriate to act and behave like a slut, and when it’s not. The slut’s overt sexuality shouldn’t be displayed in situations where young children are present, for example. The intelligent slut will know how to turn a boring outing or event into one rife with sexual tension and use that to her advantage, however, and will know that it is perfectly acceptable to take her partner into a “family” bathroom for a quickie if the situation presents itself.

Bisexuality/Pansexuality: Though I don’t think it is essential to be bi or pansexual to be a slut, it certainly helps. If you’re able and willing to fuck anyone regardless of gender, your pool of potential partners doubles at a minimum. A true slut, in my opinion, would enjoy sexual exploration with any other human being for the sake of a new experience.

Now, you could make the argument that all of these skills are necessary in any sexual relationship, and you might be right to an extent. The single largest difference between a typical sexual relationship and slutdom involves promiscuity, and that is why I made the point about promiscuity being a requirement for true slutdom in the skill definitions above.

So that’s my list of essential skills for the modern slut. Do you agree? Disagree? What would you add, remove, or change?

The Slut Lessons blog is designed to help educate you on the skills necessary to become a slut.  Over the next few weeks and months, I’ll be writing on how to learn and apply the skills I believe every good little slut should possess.  I hope you find some use (and application) for them.  😉

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