Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.
What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”
First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.
The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.
Why do women have rape fantasies?
Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.
So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.
How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?
There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.
The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:
- Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!
- The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.
- What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.
- What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.
- Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.
One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.
What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?
There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s subject for a whole other conversation.
As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?
This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.
If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.
As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.
As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?
This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.
One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.
Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.
Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups
An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.
Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.
If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.
I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).
Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.
- Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.
- Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.
- Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.
- Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.
If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.
Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.