How to Get Into Pegging

You often hear about anal sex in terms of men sodomizing women or each other. But there’s another aspect of it as well, one that you don’t hear about too often, nor do you see much of it in porn (with the occasional exception of porn produced specifically for that purpose). I’m talking about a female fucking a man in the ass with a strap-on dick. We’ve come to know this activity by the moniker pegging. And despite its relative dearth in porn and the lack of any serious mentions in even the most robust of sex education material, it is a very common fantasy for both men and women.

What is Pegging?

Basically, pegging is fucking a guy in the ass with a strap-on cock. Though women can fuck other women with a strap-on, the term is not generally used in that construct. The term originated from a column written by Dan Savage back in the early 2000s. He lamented the fact that the act of a woman fucking a man anally with a dildo had no name, and the term “pegging” was born from the discussions that ensued.

Doesn’t Being Pegged Make a Man Gay/Isn’t a Man Who’s Interested in this Really Gay?

If you are a person who seriously asks this question, I have to ask if you even understand the concept of what gay means. Please avail yourself of a dictionary and look up the term “gay” as it relates to sexuality. See if you can figure out what the fuck you’re doing wrong with this question (Hint: Consider the gender of the people involved).

What’s the Point?

There are a variety of reasons why couples enjoy this kind of thing (the same can be said of most sexual activities, don’t you think?). For some, pegging is merely an exchange of anal sex; a “what’s good for the goose, is good for the gander” sort of thing, if you will. It’s not unheard of for a woman to agree to being sodomized by her guy if he agrees to allow her to fuck him in the butt, too. This “sharing” of the experience can often be quite sensual, and has the added benefit of engendering a great deal of trust between the two people involved.

For some, this activity allows the couple to explore certain aspects of their sexuality beyond what “standard” sex can often accomplish. Many couples enjoy the power exchange that occurs with the role reversal. It is often seen as a “dominant” act for a man to sodomize a woman (and truth be told, that’s much of the fun of being fucked in the ass in my opinion). Allowing the woman to take the reigns and fuck her man lets her assume the role of the dominant and “take charge” of the action. This is an excellent way for a man to explore his submissive side, too.

And though the mutual benefits of the experience are important, it’s also critical to understand what the individuals will get from it.

What does the guy get out of being pegged?

Oh, gosh, where to start. Many men enjoy anal stimulation. As I mention in my article on the allure of anal sex, the anus is rich in nerve endings and is highly receptive to manual stimulation. This applies to men just as much as it does to women. Sadly, a lot of men eschew butt play because of the supposed “stigma” associated with anal play and being gay. Those who “go there” are often richly rewarded with (more) intense orgasms and a much broader understanding of their own sexuality.

Men also have one other huge advantage when it comes to anal penetration. It’s known as the prostate gland (you’ll sometimes see/hear it referred to as the man’s G-Spot, or as the A-spot). Stimulation of the prostate provides a great deal of pleasure for many guys. Once the woman learns how to use and move with the strap-on while its dildo is in her man’s ass, she can angle it so that prostate stimulation is maximized. This has the effect of adding a great deal of power to the man’s orgasm. In fact, many men can come from being anally fucked without even having to touch themselves.

What does the woman get out of pegging?

There are a couple of things a woman can get from pegging. First and foremost is the satisfaction of giving her guy the physical pleasure of being fucked in the ass. As I stated above, anal stimulation is pleasurable for both men and women. If you’re a woman who enjoys being sodomized, then you know how good it can feel, and giving someone else sexual pleasure is often sufficient justification in and of itself when it comes to some sexual activities.

Many also enjoy the feeling of the power shift that takes place when a woman is fucking a man. Usually the guy is the one who’s the “aggressor” when it comes to phallic penetration of the woman, but this allows her to turn the tables on him, so to speak. And, if you select the right kind of strap-on (or combine the use of the strap-on with some sort of vibrator), it is possible for the woman to receive some clitoral and/or vaginal stimulation as well.

I have occasionally seen women ask questions about what they’re “supposed to get out of it,” especially if they derive no physical pleasure from the act itself. My simple answer to that is you get the satisfaction of having given your man a good time. Sex doesn’t have to always be a tit for tat activity – sometimes we just do things to please a partner that we might not get any pleasure from ourselves. That’s part of being a sexual partner to one another.

Bringing the Subject Up

Many men are very interested in this kind of sex play, but are afraid to bring it up. This is understandable given our society’s seeming predilection toward seeing male butt play as something gay men do. Guys often won’t bring it up at all for fear of turning off the girl or for fear that she’ll go all judgmental on his ass and dump him for having weird fantasies (if sexual compatibility with you is important, then this might represent a red flag). The key is to ease her into it.

If this is a new subject for your girlfriend (wife, etc.), then you probably don’t want to come out of the clear blue with, “Hey, I want you to fuck me in the ass.” My advice would be to get her involved in playing with your butt (licking, sticking fingers in it, inserting butt plugs, etc.) before you bring up the subject of pegging. She needs to realize and understand how much you enjoy having your ass played with, and needs to be comfortable actually playing with your asshole. Once she’s gotten to that point, then you might consider taking the next step. Doing it this way allows her to see that playing with your ass does not mean you’re “gay” or what you’re wanting some guy to fuck you there (which is where a lot of women go mentally if you just bring up the subject of pegging without any precursors, I’m sad to say).

You’ll want to introduce the concept slowly. Ask her if she knows what pegging is, and if she doesn’t (she almost assuredly won’t), educate her about it. Perhaps show her some porn that involves a woman doing a man in the ass with a strap-on. I’d encourage you to find some good amateur porn where this is happening. Amateur porn reinforces the notion that this is something “normal” people do and it’s not just porn stars being paid to do it (THIS hot couple is one of my personal favorites, though the harness she’s using isn’t all that good). If she has some hint of “switchiness” in her (a desire to turn the tables during sex and be in control every now and then vs. you being in control all the time), explain to her that this is an excellent way to make that happen.

If you get lucky and she agrees to give it a shot, then your next step is to pick out a strap-on (see below), learn to how to prepare for for being sodomized the first time, and then give it a shot. Hopefully, you guys will both enjoy it and it will be something you can add to your sexual repertoire.

Let me add one caution to this, however. I have seen women complain on various forums about their men wanting this all the time or almost exclusively after they’ve tried it that first time. I know it feels good for you, but if you get to the point where this is all you want from your girl, you’re probably going to encounter some relationship issues. Don’t get into a rut and make this the only way you can get off; it’s fine as an adjunct to your other sex play, but don’t let it supplant it.

If you’re a woman and you’re wanting to try this with your man, you may have an obstacle to overcome. That will be his fear that doing something like this means he’s “gay” or bisexual. Unfortunately the narrow-minded in our society tend to construct male sexuality such that anything involving the butt or ass HAS to be gay. So you’ll need to keep this in mind if it’s something you want to explore. Having said all that, pegging a guy is a very common fantasy for women, especially those who want to try being in control for a bit, or those who absolutely adore their guy’s ass and like playing with it. If this is you, you’re in good company.

The way to bring this subject up with a guy is not vastly different than I explain above. You need a guy who’s comfortable with you playing with his asshole to begin with. If he’s not already there, you’ll want to start out by slowly introducing him to butt play. This can begin by you running your finger into the crack of his ass as you’re sucking his cock. As he gets used to that feeling, you can occasionally stop and linger at his asshole for a few moments – perhaps make some circling motions there at the back door. If you suck and lick his balls, work your way down his taint toward his back door. If you can do this right after taking a shower with him, you might take it further and begin rimming him. Be sure he knows how turned on you are by his ass AND by how he’s willing to let you “go there” playing with his butt. As he becomes more and more warm and fuzzy with the idea of you being back there, you may progress to him actively encouraging you to go there, perhaps even to the point of beginning some play with small dildos, butt plugs, and so forth.

Hopefully, he’ll get comfortable enough with you being back there playing with his ass that you’ll feel that taking the next step is the right thing to do. At that point, I’d suggest you do the same as I outlined for the guys above – educate him about the subject of pegging and use some amateur porn to demonstrate the techniques (find any major porn video site and search for “amateur pegging”). Hopefully, he’ll be amenable to it and you guys can get busy picking out the harness, learning how to prepare for his first time, and get down to business.

Picking out the Right Strap-On

Once you’ve made the decision to give it a shot, the next item of business is to find the right tool. Picking out the right strap-on harness for the female to wear is probably the most important part of getting ready to try this the first time. There’s nothing worse than a harness that either won’t stay up or secured, or won’t hold the dildo like it should. If you have equipment that doesn’t work correctly, it may make the experience awkward and unsexy, and the two of you may decide not to try it again. That would be a shame.

I will be writing a much longer piece on how to go about selecting a harness in the not too distant future, not only for those who’re wanting to do their boyfriends in the ass, but for the gay girls who wish to do each other as well. In the meantime, let me point you to a couple of online pieces already up that will shed some light on this for you. The first is at EdenFantasys, and the second is at Holistic Wisdom. There is also a decent video about the basics of selecting strap-ons that can be found on YouTube HERE.

If you have a sex toy shop near you, I *highly* recommend that you go there and have a look at their strap-ons and see if you can find one that suits you. In most stores, you’ll be able to try them on, and if you’re lucky enough to have one of the larger toy stores, there’ll be a wide selection of accessories (read: dildos & fake dicks) to accompany them. There are usually store employees on hand with some pretty extensive practical experience using strap-ons, too.

Many couples like to try a toy known as the Feeldoe, which is designed with a bulb that fits into the woman’s vagina and has a cock-shaped dildo protruding from it. it’s designed to provide some pleasure to the woman while she’s fucking her man (or woman). This toy is pretty awesome, though some women express dissatisfaction at how it works for them. It’s definitely worth trying if you have the money to spend on it. If it works, then you have a new toy to play with. if it doesn’t, then you haven’t wasted too much money and are better off for having had the experience.

How to prepare for the first time

The most important aspect of getting ready for that first time being pegged is going to be preparing your ass to be fucked. Rather than rehash all of that information, I’ll just quickly point you to a previous article I wrote entitled, How To Prepare For Your First Anal Sex.  The woman needs to read that article as well, especially if she’s not had a lot of experience being sodomized herself. It’s important to work up to taking a cock/cocklike object into your ass. If you don’t do it correctly, you might injure yourself, or at least make it a less than wonderful experience. The article also includes instructions on getting that cock into his ass the first time, in addition to important safer sex options.

The other important thing to practice doing is putting on the strap-on and its related equipment and learning to thrust your hips like you were a guy. This is not a typical movement for a woman so it might take a few rounds of practice to get things down. Though you’ll want to start out slowly, the guy is going to get the best experience when you learn to fuck his ass like you mean it. If you’re like me, having someone power fuck your shithole is intensely orgasm-producing. Most guys will enjoy that as well once they get used to the feeling of being penetrated (at least, that’s been my experience).

To begin with, though, you’ll want to start out gradually. Push the head in, let his asshole relax and get used to the feeling of being invaded, and then start slowly thrusting your hips. Go slowly to begin with, and gradually push that cock deeper into his butt with each successive thrust. If you don’t have one that’s too long, you will eventually be able to bottom out and get that thing as deep into his rectum as it’ll go. Once you get there, let it set for a few seconds for him to acclimate, then start thrusting slowly again, pulling almost all the way out, then pushing all the way back in. Once he gets used to this, you can start thrusting faster and harder (let him tell you when it gets to be too much), and should eventually get to the point where you can rail his ass like you own it. For your initial butt play, I would suggest sticking with a dildo that’s no longer than 6-7″. Too much longer and you get into territory where you can damage the colon if you’re inexperienced.

I always recommend you start off in the doggy position, with either the woman on her knees on the bed/floor behind him, or with with on the edge of the bed and her standing behind him on the floor. Once you get the hang of things, of course, you can move to trying other positions, to include reverse cowboy (which allows for very deep penetration). Finding a good angle to thrust so that you hit his prostate gland is hitting pay dirt (he’ll let you know when this happens, trust me).

Another favorite position has the guy lying on his back on the edge of bed, legs raised or his knees pulled back up to his chest, and the woman fucking him while standing on the floor next to the bed. This has the added benefit of allowing her to jerk him off while she’s fucking him. I’ve had guys shoot a load of cum over their heads from the powerful orgasms they get doing it this way.

For More Information/Advanced Techniques

For more information on this subject, I highly recommend Tristan Taormino’s DVD, Expert Guide to Anal Pleasure for Men. She devotes some time to the subject of pegging.  She also has a DVD specific to the subject of pegging, Tristan’s Guide to Pegging for Couples. Either/Both of the these will help shed some light on this subject for you.

Hopefully, the both of you will be open-minded and will spend some time learning how to do this the right way. This is one of those activities that not only adds to your sexual repertoire, but does so in a way that has some interesting psychological aspects to it in addition to just feeling good. That combination makes for a powerful sexual experience and is well worth the time you invest in trying it out.



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Sexual Force Fantasy

One of the incredible people I used follow on Twitter once wrote about the concept of rape fantasy and how many publishers refuse to publish erotica flavored with the concept of sex taken by force. She goes on to elaborate about why it occurs and why the line of reasoning behind much of that is total bullshit, doing an excellent job of deconstructing the reasoning often used by those who wish to censor writers of such material.

She made many valid points, and I won’t rehash them here (sadly, her blog is no longer online; I’ll refer to her as “RG” herein). It was a must-read article, though, especially since her views on the subject and how it fits into her concept of sexual self identity meshed pretty consistently with my own. 😛

One point she brought up does merit some attention here, however. She stated that, “…I find the term ‘rape fantasy’ something of a misnomer.” I agree.

Like her, I also have a problem with the phrase “rape fantasy,” largely due to the fact that rape, as an English word, has a pretty well-defined meaning – a meaning that eliminates the concept of consent in the act. Anyone who knows anything about the nature of “rape fantasy” knows that, even though the fantasy itself is constructed as a “rape,” by virtue of it being a fantasy, the recipient of the attack is in fact controlling (and thereby consenting to) what’s taking place. This may manifest itself through fantasy control in the person’s own mind if it is being used for masturbatory fodder, or through the use of pre-scripted parameters or safe words if it is being physically acted out.

Believe it or not there are a lot of people who go to great lengths to act out rape fantasy scenarios these days. And as RG pointed out in her piece, studies have shown that about six out of every ten women has entertained “rape fantasy” to one degree or another. Those of you who’ve read my Fantasy & Violation piece have some idea of how vivid my personal fantasies are along these lines.

Given all of this, I have elected to coin a new term for what we’ve been using to refer to consensual non-consensual sex. That term is sexual force fantasy.

Why not “forced sex fantasy?” Because these fantasies don’t always directly involve insertion of a penis into an orifice, which is what most people think of when they think of “sex.” But they all involve the application of force in the perpetration of a sexualized encounter – sexual force, as it were. So the term “sexual force fantasy” just seems to work for me as a descriptor of what we’re talking about here a lot better than just about anything else I can come up with.

Using that term should allow us to differentiate between non-consensual sex (i.e., real rape) and the fantasy of a sexual encounter involving consensual (sometimes very graphic and unconstrained) force. This not only makes it safer to discuss for those who have these sorts of fantasies, but allows us to disabuse ourselves of those who’d pervert the statistics toward an inappropriate use.

What do you guys think? Does this work for you? Do you have a better term for it, perhaps? If you don’t like it, why? Regardless, now that you’ve read this, you may wish to read my new piece on how to make a rape fantasy scenario work.


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Safer Sex, the Lesbian Way

I got a question from one of my readers some time ago, asking a question about whether or not I’d addressed lesbian safe sex in my posts. Though I have occasionally addressed details about some things you can do in various other articles I’ve written, I’ve not constructed a single coherent article on how to go about carpet munching safely (can we still use that term today, given that most women have no, uh, carpet?).

Now, I’ll be the first to admit that I am woefully lax when it comes to using safe sex practices when I am with another woman. I’ve never even remotely entertained the idea of not using a condom when fucking a man (okay, once, months ago), but I have only used a barrier with a woman once.

I mean, it’s hard to go through the process of pulling out a latex or saran wrap square, getting it all situated, and going down on a woman when you’re pushing her into the bathroom stall at the club, dying to have her squirm as your tongue lavishes all that attention on that special little button. It just…breaks the energy stream. And besides, I adore the taste of pussy, something you just don’t get with a barrier.

With a guy, it’s barely even an interruption to roll a condom onto his engorged cock before you open wide and let him slide that hard rod into your cunt or ass. For the trained it can be an almost seamless process, in fact. Of course, with a man, there’s one added risk that just isn’t present when two women are fucking, and that’s the possibility of pregnancy. With two women doing one another, that’s just not even a consideration.

Interestingly, there’s a recent study from New York City [PDF] that suggests many women don’t even bother with condoms if they’re being butt fucked by a man (only 23 percent of women report using condoms consistently during anal sex!). Why? Because there’s no risk of pregnancy. Of course, with anal penetration, there’s an even greater risk of acquiring some infections, so there’s an obvious disconnect there. But that’s a subject for another piece. Back to the girly bits.

With Sapphic sex there are just about as many risks as there are if you’re fucking a guy. The risks are still there, though they may themselves a bit differently.

Risky Behavior

Oral sex is perhaps the most popular sexual act carried out between two women. And while the risk of acquiring HIV is considerably lower than it might be with penetrative sex, it is not altogether negligible. You can also easily acquire bacterial infections (syphilis, gonorrhea, chlamydia) and viral infections (herpes, HPV) from skin to skin contact and through the exchange of bodily fluids, especially if either of you have open sores. Hepatitis is another possible acquisition, especially if you are going to have your tongue dancing around and darting into your partner’s hot little asshole.

Open sores, you say? I don’t have any, you might think. Have you been shaving? You probably have small open sores. Do you have chapped lips? You might have open sores. Have you been brushing your teeth hard or flossing recently? You might have open sores in your mouth. Is the person being performed on having her period? She has open sores. We’re not just talking cuts and gunshot wounds here.

Manual sex is probably the second most popular sexual activity – using fingers or toys to penetrate your partner’s cunt (or asshole). If you chew your fingernails, or keep them trimmed to within a millimeter of a quick, you might have open sores on your fingers. If you have sharp fingernails, you might scratch the delicate mucous membranes in your partner’s cunt or asshole, thereby creating an open wound.

So, don’t assume that, just because you don’t see any blood spurting out of a partner that there are no open sores through which the nasty little STD bugs can be transmitted, and therefore assume there’s no need for safer sex practices. And don’t forget that many diseases can be transmitted simply from skin-to-skin contact! It’s also important to keep in mind that someone with one of these diseases may be asymptomatic – you’re not going to be able to see that they’re infected, even if you’ve got your face buried deeply in their pussy.
Tribbing is another sex act that many girls will do with one another. And, again, there’s the exchange of bodily fluids and intimate skin-to-skin contact.

So, while the risks may be generally lower for lesbian sex, yes, there are still risks. And, as with your heterosexual counterparts, there are ways to help mitigate those risks.

Types of Protection

First and foremost is the barrier. This typically takes the form of a square or rectangular piece of latex placed over your partner’s naughty bits, with you going down on them over that barrier. The barrier can be either a dental dam or a condom cut open to become a flat piece of latex. A very popular, less expensive, non-latex alternative is a piece of saran wrap. Yes, that’s right, saran wrap. Saran Wrap is impermeable and perfectly suitable for use as a safer sex barrier. It’s much more widely available, less expensive, and is thinner than a latex as well (and lacks that fucking latex taste!).

The only down side to using plastic wrap is that it is sometimes a little more cumbersome to use, since it sticks to itself quite readily. When you pull it out, you have to expend some modicum of effort to get it apart and flatten it out before you can use it. In my scenario above with the hot bitch in the bathroom, she will likely have gotten herself off and be back out on the dance floor by the time I dig my saran wrap out of my purse in the dim light, pull it out of the little baggie I keep it in, unfold it, and put it to use. “Wait! Where did you go?”

Anyway, to use these barriers, the best thing to do it put a bit of lube on the side that comes into contact with your partner’s naughty bits, then go down on it and perform just as if you were in contact with the skin itself. The lube allows the barrier to slide around easily and gives it more of a “real” tongue feeling to the person on the receiving end. Be sure to swap out and use a different one with each partner.

If you’re going to be mashing naughty bits against each others’ (tribbing), then you might consider lubing up both sides a bit to make it more glide worthy. You’ll want to use a larger sized sheet for that as well, since it tends to move and give a good bit when you’re doing this kind of activity.

If you’re going to be penetrating someone with fingers (or a fist) and want to reduce the likelihood of transmitting any bugs, use finger cots. Finger cots are basically little condoms for your fingers. If you have sharp fingernails, you still have to be careful, however, as they may cut through the thin latex. You can always use regular latex gloves for this as well, by the way; there’s no need to go out and buy finger cots just for sex.

If you’re going to be using penetrative toys, such as a dildo, vibrator, strap-on, butt plugs, etc., you’ll want to cover those with a standard condom before use, especially if you’re going to be sharing them (i.e., penetrating one partner, then the other). Using condoms has the added benefit of making clean up a bit easier, too, especially if anal penetration is going to be involved. Again, be sure you change out the condom between switching partners.

You also want to ensure you change your finger cot, glove, or the condom when moving between the ass and the cunt as well. That’s extremely important. It’s okay to go from the cunt to the ass, but not the other way around!

Bringing the Subject Up

While women may not be hesitant to bring up the requirement for a condom with a guy, it is often a bit more awkward to bring up safer sex with another woman. A lot of this has to do with a lack of understanding on the part of many women about the risks – some women just don’t realize that it is almost as risky to nibble on that little pleasure button as it is to swallow a man’s cock.

We’re each responsible for our own safety, though, and if you want to avail yourself of these options, it is up to you to bring it up. I’d simply tell a person I was with that I am a big proponent of safer sex practices and bust out the saran wrap pieces that I’d pre-cut and packaged in my purse specifically for one of those opportunities when I’m out and come across a woman I just absolutely have to have right then and there!

If you get resistance from the other person, you’ll need to make the decision about whether or not to continue – you’re the one who faces the risks. And perhaps the one who pays any consequences. If your partner can’t respect your wishes about being safe, then perhaps you should reconsider the whole affair.

Keep in mind, too, that many women, even those who identify as lesbian, have had sex with men at some point in their lives. So it is quite possible they may have a disease that you’d commonly only suspect resulting from heterosexual intercourse. You just never truly know, so the best course of action is to be as safe as you can possibly be.


Keep in mind there’s no such thing as “safe” sex – the only safe sex is no sex (well, maybe cyber sex). We refer to it as “safer” sex when using barriers and other protection because it is safer than sex with no protection whatsoever. But, even if you employ these particular recommendations there’s still the risk of catching something. Something other than pregnancy, in this case.

And for what it’s worth, these same concepts apply to any of you gentlemen out there who wish to go down on a woman as well. It’s not unheard of for the menfolk to want to cunt/ass munch safely as well, and everything I’ve said here is just as applicable to you going down as it is for those for whom the article was entitled.

Stay safe, my pussy- and ass-eating friends. 😉


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Kegel Exercises

What if you could make your orgasms stronger? Longer lasting? What if you had the ability to control when your orgasm overtook your body?

One of the best ways to increase your ability to intensify and control your orgasms is to learn to use your Kegels effectively. Kegel exercises (pronounced “kay-guhl“) serve to tone and strengthen the pubococcygeus, or “PC,” muscles which form the floor of the pelvis. Understanding how they work and how to use them will enhance your sexual performance by orders of magnitude.

Learning how to use them correctly will also allow you to squeeze down more intensely on a partner’s cock, thereby increasing the pleasure for him as well. For guys, learning to use your PC muscles can lead to prolonged and multiple orgasms, with or without ejaculation. The health of these muscles plays a vitally important role in sexual arousal and climax, as well as in other aspects of bodily functioning.

The PC Muscles

The PC muscles are actually a group of muscles, rather than just a single large one. They form a (roughly) Figure 8 from the pubic bone back to the coccyx at the base of your spinal column. These are, quite literally, the muscles that form the core of your orgasm. All of that contracting you feel when you’re cumming? That’s your PC muscles at work. So it should be easy to see that, if you strengthen the muscles that give you your orgasm, your orgasm itself will be stronger. As you strengthen them and learn to control them, you gain a great deal of control over your orgasm, to the point where you can even time it in some cases. I attribute my ability to have very intense 40-50 second orgasms to having done these exercises for so long. I have excellent control over mine and can literally decide when to allow my orgasm to explode in most situations (there have been times when my partner forced one out of me before I was ready).

You can see the muscles in males and females in this lateral view:

pcmuscle2And you can see the figure 8 pattern in this view from underneath:

pcmuscle1Why should men do Kegel exercises regularly?

  • Kegel exercises increase the blood flow to the genital area, and support sexual arousal mechanisms. This can also lead to stronger, longer-lasting erections.
  • Kegel exercises strengthen and tone the muscles that are involved in ejaculation. Men who Kegel can gain greater control over the timing of their ejaculation. This can help prevent premature ejaculation problems, and can serve as the basis for achieving the capability of having multiple orgasms.
  • Kegel exercises prevent incontinence and other problems that are often associated with aging.

Why should women do Kegel exercises regularly?

  • Kegel exercises increase the blood flow to the genital area, and therefore support sexual arousal mechanisms.
  • Kegel exercises strengthen and tone the muscles of the vaginal canal. Women can improve their capacity to orgasm by means of vaginal play, in terms of both the intensity and the frequency.
  • Kegel exercises are essential to the treatment of sexual difficulties such as vaginismus and dyspareunia (pain on vaginal intercourse).
  • Kegel exercises prevent incontinence, prolapses, and many other problems of the pelvic floor that are often associated with aging.
  • Kegel exercises strengthen and tone the musculature of the pelvic area in a way that can make vaginal delivery during childbirth easier.
  • Doing Kegels and learning to use them during sex will be a tremendous confidence booster. You’ll develop the ability to control your vaginal contractions and enhance the sexual experience for both you and your cock-possessing partner(s).

How do I find my PC muscles?

Go to the bathroom and sit on the toilet and start peeing (guys, it is also a good idea to sit for this). In the middle of your stream of urine, stop and start the stream a couple of times (don’t overdo it, though!). The muscles you use to stop the urine flow are your PC muscles. You may also find that you are squeezing your anal muscles as you do this – the PC muscle group includes those that surround and interconnect with the anus. You can ensure that you’re squeezing the PC muscles by inserting a finger into your vagina or anus – when you squeeze the muscle, you should feel it clamp down on your finger.

Avoid involving your abs, thighs, gluteus (butt) and other muscles when you’re doing this. One mistake a lot of women make is squeezing every muscle they have in their pelvic region, and that’s not what you want to do. You need to work on isolating the PC muscle group specifically and leaving the rest of them out. As you become more intimately familiar with the muscles that you’re working, you may also try to isolate the anal muscles from the muscles controlling your urine flow (and vaginal contraction).

How do I do regular Kegel exercises?

It is important to note that the intent in doing Kegel exercises is to learn to control the muscles, not to build strength in them necessarily. Even Dr. Kegel stated outright that “strength” is not the important focus – rather, he stressed the importance of “conditioning of the sexual reflex”.

Now that you have located your PC muscles, you can exercise them while your bladder is completely empty. Start your Kegel workout in the morning, either at home as you check your e-mail or eat breakfast, as you drive to work or school (while you are at a stop sign, for example), or as you wait for your first class to begin.

  • Squeeze the Kegels rapidly and release ten times in a row. This should take about ten seconds or so.
  • Squeeze and hold your Kegels for five seconds then release, ten times in a row. This will take approximately one minute.
  • Imagine you are sitting in a puddle of water, and your vagina (or anus) is a wet-dry vacuum, and you’re trying to suck up as much water as you can. To do this correctly, you’ll need to tighten your buttocks and pull up in the front. Hold that position for five seconds and release, and do it ten times. This should also take about one minute.
  • Following this warm up, do 100 squeeze/release cycles of the Kegels, holding the squeeze for no more than one second each time.
  • During the remainder of the day, perform the 100 squeeze/release exercise at least twice more; once during the middle of the day, and once during the early evening.
  • Do these exercise cycles a minimum of three or four times a week, remembering that strength is not the goal, but rather toning the muscles and learning to control them.

You might also experiment by varying the type and timing of the PC squeezing you do as you train these muscles: slow clenches, many quick flutters, and so on. This will make you more familiar with these muscles – notice also when your abdominal muscles or your anal muscles feel like they also want to join in the exercise.

Remember, you should try to separate Kegel exercises from anal squeezing. If you are in doubt, go back and re-find your PC muscle while urinating.

Once you are skilled at Kegel exercises, you should be able to do them without anyone else knowing what you are doing…boring meetings at work, tedious lectures at conferences or at school, and other daily events all become opportunities to work quietly on improving your sexual health.

I began doing Kegel exercises when I was 15 years old, after having read about them online. I’ve literally done them multiple times a day every single day since then – as I’m lying in bed each morning, as I am sitting in traffic, as I am sitting in meetings at the office, randomly as I’m watching TV, and as I lie in bed each night before going to sleep.

As you learn to control your Kegels, incorporate them with your masturbation or sex play with your partner. As you masturbate, insert your finger(s) into your vagina and squeeze your Kegels. You’ll soon understand how this can work when you’re being penetrated by a cock. As you approach an orgasm, insert your fingers and expand them to allow your Kegels to have something to resist against. As you get a better sense of your timing with the contractions of the Kegels, you’ll get to the point where you can use the Kegel contractions to increase the intensity of the orgasm. This will be the point at which all of your hard work will start to pay off.

When you’re being fucked, as you’re being penetrated by the cock, you can use your Kegels to squeeze it as he thrusts in or withdraws. In my opinion, the best way to do this is to squeeze as he withdraws. If he pulls back far enough, the squeezing at the entrance to your vagina will stimulate the head of his penis (which is its most sensitive part) just as he gets ready to thrust back into your cunt. If you can train them well enough to do rapid squeezes when you’re being pounded, you’ll be surprised at how incredible that feels, especially once you head toward an orgasm.

They make toys that are designed specifically for working your PC muscles (one of which is called a Kegelcisor). If you can afford one of these devices, it might make a worthwhile investment if you’d like to continue to improve the tone of your PC muscles. These toys are basically weighted devices that you hold in your vagina or anus through the use of Kegel muscles (as you stand up, for example). Ben Wa Balls are also excellent toys you can use to work the Kegels.


Kegel exercises (named after Dr. Arnold Kegel, who developed the exercises, by the way) are an excellent way to increase and maintain the capability of enhancing and enjoying your orgasms, as well as enhancing penetrative sex for your partner. They can be done at just about any point in time, without anyone knowing that you’re doing them, and are perfectly safe. The key to ensuring success is to keep up the exercises across time. Just as with any other muscles, if you stop exercising them, they will return to their previous state, undoing all of the work that you’ve accomplished.

By the way, if it were up to me, high school phys ed classes would teach Kegel exercises. 😉


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Grab My Hair While You’re Fucking Me

One of my biggest pet peeves in porn is guys grabbing a girl’s hair the wrong way.  I happen to be a huge fan of having someone grab a handful of my hair when they’re fucking me, but I am pretty insistent that they do it the correct way, for a variety of reasons.

Watch this animated gif, paying attention to the way he’s using her hair:

The guy has a handful of her hair almost a foot and a half from her head!  This is NOT the way you should use your partner’s hair when you’re fucking.  It doesn’t do much for her, and it can be dangerous.  If he yanks too hard, it can produce a whiplash effect (notice the angle of her neck), and that would not be wonderful.  Unfortunately, a good bit of porn you see these days shows it being done incorrectly.  It might look hot, but it is unsafe.

The primary intent behind grabbing a partner’s hair during sex is to exert dominance and control.  Do you think the guy in the image above can exert any real dominance or control over the girl?  Of course not.

So what’s the right way to do it?

The correct way to grab your partner’s hair is to grab a handful as close to the skull as you can, and hold it while you’re fucking her (note that I’m writing this as if the scenario was a guy fucking a woman.  In reality, it could be any gender combination).  You should lace your fingers through her hair, or if it’s long enough to form a ponytail out of it and grab that, you can do it that way if you wish.  Either way, the secret is to get a handful as close to the skull as possible.

Doing this has three distinct advantages:

  • It allows you to exert control, which is one of the biggest reasons for using hair in the first place. When you have a handful of hair close to the skull, you can control the movement of your partner’s head, which by default controls her. Notice where the guy above is holding her hair?  Can he control her that way?  No.
  • It provides leverage. Having a handful of your partner’s hair allows you to use her weight to counter yours as you’re pounding away from behind. You can use it to pull her back into you as you thrust forward, making the physical aspects (and therefore the psychological ones) of the fucking more intense.
  • It is much safer for her. As I indicated above, grabbing hair that far out actually moves the pivot point from the base of your hand where it’s grabbing the hair to a point in her neck. If you pull too hard, that jerking of her head back like that can result in a whiplash effect, one that may not be apparent for several hours after the sex.

Grabbing hair at just about any other point is almost as bad as what’s being done in the video.In the image on the left below, the guy’s grabbing the girl’s hair at her forehead.  Again, this puts the pivot point in a bad location for her, and she runs the risk of inuring her neck.  Additionally, the hair is not embedded as deeply in your scalp there as it is, say, at the back of the head.  You run the risk of tearing hair from her head if you get too vigorous.

The concepts above apply to sex when a partner is at the rear fucking the one whose hair is being grabbed, but the same basic principles apply if you’re grabbing her hair to head lock her during a face or throat fucking session as well. Grab the hair at the upper, back end of the head at the back of the skull and use it to hold her head in place as you’re thrusting your cock into her mouth or her throat (see below, left). If you grab it too far out, you lose control of the head and her head moving back will result in the pulling of her hair (which hurts, in a bad way!). It is also acceptable to grab hair on both sides of the head for this purpose as well (pigtails work great for this)

Now, normally, I’m a big advocate of asking before you do something to another person during sex. Hair pulling is an exception to that, however. A lot of people don’t realize how primal it can feel to be controlled during sex, and using a partner’s hair in this manner is a lightweight way to do that. A bit of experimentation here can go a long way, potentially.

So I think it is perfectly fine to reach up and grab your partner’s hair, doing it in the manner I’ve referenced above. Start out gently with it and see how she reacts, perhaps running your hands through her hair a few times before you grab a handful and begin pulling lightly. Get more vigorous with it over time if she seems to be comfortable with it. If she seems to be warm and fuzzy with what you’ve done so far, increase the strength of your grasp and the amount of control you exert until you get some pushback or until you reach your limit.

It is possible to do this while fucking in a cowgirl position as well, if she’s leaning down on top of you. Just wrap your arms around her torso, underneath her arms at the armpits, and reach up and grab some hair. It’s not quite as psychologically powerful this way, but still has some effect. Pull her head back as you’re thrusting and she’s countering you (the hair pulling will actually help with her countering your thrusts, in fact).

The one time I know these techniques will present a problem for partners fucking doggy style when they are of equal size, or where the person on the receiving end is taller than the one giving. In those cases it is sometimes difficult for the giving partner to be able to reach up far enough to grab the other’s hair the right way and maintain control (especially if she has short hair). This requires the puller to bend over, disturbing the pair’s balance, or makes it difficult to focus on fucking. A solution to this is to have her lie on her side and fuck her that way, or fuck her while sitting on your haunches, straddling her other leg. Either of these will allow you to move a bit closer to her, so be careful that you still grab the hair at the back base of the skull (you want to be sure you don’t pull her head sideways, either).

It’s not just the dominance factor that plays into the enjoyment of this for many people, but there’s also a bit of pain involved in it as well if it is executed correctly. The skull is rich in nerve endings, and is quite sensitive to pain.  When you’re pulling a handful of hair, the pain can be magnified considerably, intensifying the sex for those who enjoy a bit of pain with their pleasure. As you grow more comfortable with it, you can pull harder and harder each time until someone reaches their limits

So, to summarize, the single most important thing to keep in mind with hair pulling is safety, especially as it relates to the neck of the person whose hair is being pulled.  It’s a lot of fun for most people, and can certainly add a bit of spice to your sex play.  Just be safe and make sure no one gets hurt.


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Gang Bangs, Group Sex, and Orgies

There are a lot of terms used in the sex and porn worlds these days that are just outlandishly misused and misappropriated – some for dramatic effect and some due to an honest misunderstanding of what they really mean. A few have multiple meanings or have meanings that are nebulous enough that they can be used legitimately in a variety of situations, though.

So, in the interest of sex education for the masses, here are some of the more commonly used/misused terms and their legitimate meanings. This is a running post, by the way. As more terms are suggested, I’ll include them and update the page.

Threesome: Self explanatory – sex among three people. It can be three people of the same gender, or of differing genders. One person watching, but not participating, is NOT a threesome, by the way.

Spit Roast: Threesome arrangement where one person is in a horizontal position (on hands and knees, typically) and being penetrated on each end by someone with a phallus. Sometimes referred to as a pig roast.

Foursome: A foursome involves, oddly enough, four people. These four people have to swap it up and mix it up so that everyone is having sex with every other person (more or less) for it to be a true foursome. Otherwise you just have two couples having sex in the presence of one another, or a threesome with one person watching, etc.

Group Sex: Group sex is a rather generic term for sex involving more than two people. Standard use, however, refers to any group of five or more engaged in sex, in any combination (there are specific terms for sex involving three and four people as is noted above). Generally, group sex implies that everyone is having sex with everyone else in some way.

Orgy: An orgy is sex involving five or more people, and the term is often used interchangeably with “group sex.” The term “orgy,” however, implies a much more unconstrained, wanton, lustful sexual experience – something more than just a group of five+ people sticking tongues on one another or body parts into orifices, but rather an almost ritualistic exercise of sexual abandon. In fact, the term originates from the Greek orgia (plural), or “the rites,” referring to ritualized sex undertaken as a component of a worship exercise.

Daisy Chain: A daisy chain is a sequence of three or more individuals simultaneous receiving and performing oral sex on one another such that A is giving oral to B, B is giving oral to C, and C is giving oral to A, etc., in one big circle, or chain.

Gang Bang: A gang bang where several people (usually men) have sex with a single individual (typically a female) known as the “center,” but not with one another. This generally involves anywhere from five or more men performing sex one after the other or simultaneously with the center (two men does not constitute a “gang” by any stretch of the imagination). The term “reverse gang bang” is sometimes used to refer to one man being fucked simultaneously or in sequence by several women.

Blow Bang: A blow bang is where the center(s) simply gives blowjobs to all of the males that are present, one after the other, in random order. Generally this isn’t a sequential thing where the center finishes one off before moving on, but rather the center moves from one to another randomly until the guys begin cumming. (Is there an equivalent for someone performing oral on a sequence of females?)

Bukkake: A bukkake is where a series of men ejaculate onto a single individual, usually a woman, and typically her face and upper chest. The term comes from the Japanese word for “to splash water.” The practice became popular because of Japanese porn laws which require the pixelation of genitals. In order to demonstrate that orgasms had occurred (or were occurring), producers videotaped the results of ejaculation onto the actresses face and body.

Gokkun: A gokkun is where the center of a gang bang or blow bang allows all of the males to ejaculate into her mouth and she swallows every load. The men can ejaculate into her mouth individually or collectively, or they can do so into a cup or other container from which the woman drinks the semen once everyone has made their contribution. Someone apparently coined this term based on the sound one makes when swallowing a large quantity of semen.

Blow bangs and gang bangs can result in a bukkake or gokkun if so desired.

MILF: Acronym for “Mom/Mother I’d Like to Fuck. A MILF is generally a 30 y/o+ sexually attractive woman who’s had a child (though sometimes whether or not she’s had a child is irrelevant). Marital status is irrelevant.

ATM (some times A2M): Ass-to-mouth oral sex. The male penetrates the other person anally, withdraws his cock and is orally serviced by the receptive partner without cleaning the cock. There’s a corollary term known as ATOGM, which stands for “ass to other girl’s mouth,” which refers to with the withdrawal of a cock from one girl’s ass and another girl sucking him off.

Snowballing: Cum swapping. Typically, a male will ejaculate into someone’s mouth, and that person will kiss another (perhaps the one who ejaculated, but not necessarily) and they’ll swap the cum back and forth.

Cream Pie: A load of semen deposited into a person’s vagina or ass (as opposed to on a face, chest, ass, etc.).

Air-tight: A woman being penetrated simultaneously by three cocks (anally, vaginally, and orally) is said to be “air tight.” Less often used to refer to a male being penetrated simultaneously by two cocks (anally and orally). This is also occasionally referred to as vapor lock.

Three-Hole Slut: A woman who allows penetrative sex in all three orifices (vagina, anus, and oral cavity).

Fluffer: A person responsible for keeping the male talent erect (through oral sex, generally) in between shoots in porn or during a gang bang when they’re not actively engaged with the center.

D.P. or Double Penetration: Simultaneous penetration by two cocks, typically in the vagina and anus, though it can be used to describe penetration of the mouth and either the vagina or anus as well (which itself is sometimes referred to as a spit-roast – see above).

T.P. or Triple Penetration: Simultaneous penetration by three cocks, typically in the mouth, vagina, and anus, though it may refer to multiple penetrations of the same hole by more than one cock, so long as three are involved in toto.

Relationship Constructs

Aside from the more common forms of relationships, there are some that defy common tradition. These include:

Open Relationship: A relationship in which the partners are allowed to engage in sexual activities with others. When undertaken within the context of a marriage, it is said to be an open marriage. Those in an open relationship differ from swingers in that swingers engage in sexual activities with others as a couple, generally, or attend functions designed to bring together people for the purposes of sex. Those in an open relationship generally engage in sex with others singularly and on a (relatively) random basis, perhaps even without the other partner knowing. It is possible to be in an open relationship AND be a swinger as well, however.

Polyamory: A relationship construct in which multiple people are involved. This typically takes the form of three or four people (or more) in a committed relationship to one another. The relationship is closed in that they do not permit or seek sexual relations with anyone outside their group. From the Greek, poly, many, and amor, love.

Cuckold: A cuckold is a man with a wife who has sex with other men, with her husband’s knowledge and consent. Cuckoldry is an acknowledged fetish if the husband uses it to achieve his own sexual satisfaction. The woman is said to be a “hot wife” (though a hot wife may also be a wife who is shared among two or more men with the husband’s consent or at his urging).

Sexual Orientation

Bisexual: Sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction or desire for people of both biological genders, male and female, not necessarily in equal proportions.

Pansexual: Sexual orientation characterized by sexual attraction or desire for people regardless of their gender identity or gender presentation. Often referred to less commonly as omnisexual or polysexual. This term differs from bisexuality in that someone who claims pansexuality generally does not recognize the common binary male/female gender identity construct or seeks people who express outside of what is commonly seen as male or female .

Asexuality: Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction or sexual desire for anyone, regardless of gender or sexual orientation. The specific causes of asexuality are unknown.

If you have any other terms that you feel need to be defined a bit more succinctly, indicate them in comments below. I’ll add them into this list as we go along.


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Rape Fantasy: How to Carry it Out Safely

Disclaimer: Though males and females can have these kinds of fantasies, the proclivity for women to have a masochistic streak in them (along with current societal constructs regarding rapes in general) means that the overwhelming majority of those who experience such fantasies are women. This article will be written from the perspective of a female as the “victim” and a male (or males) as the aggressors. It is appropriate, of course, to substitute any gender at any place in this discussion.

What do we mean by “rape fantasy?”

First and foremost, you need to understand that a rape fantasy is almost invariably more about forced sex and not a desire to actually BE raped by someone. Very few people have the desire to be put through the physical and emotional trauma of a real rape. This is the primary reason I personally usually refer to this as “forced sex fantasy,” rather than rape fantasy; it just gives the wrong impression to some people. Regardless, this is a common fantasy, with some studies suggesting that more than half of all women have some sort of these kinds of fantasies.

The basic idea behind a rape fantasy is that a person has a strong desire to be taken sexually by force. This typically includes a desire to be surprised or caught off guard, physically “captured” and restrained, roughly and aggressively physically attacked to one degree or another, and forced into allowing sexual penetration of the mouth, vagina, and/or anus.

Why do women have rape fantasies?

Rape fantasies are rather common, believe it or not. I’ve seen several sources use different figures, but the general consensus is that significantly more than half of all women have rape fantasies from time to time, and that’s just those willing to admit to it. There are a variety of reasons women have these. But since I am not a psychologist (and didn’t stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night), rather than me rehashing what others have said, I’ll just point you to a few articles written by those with experience in such matters. So read through THIS, THIS, and THIS. THIS, too.

So now that we’ve established that these are perfectly normative fantasies, you have to decide how to go about carrying one out safely and sanely. It’s important you lay out and play by a set of ground rules, for two reasons. First, you don’t want to injure your partner physically or emotionally (beyond what you mutually agree upon), and second, there are significant legal and life-changing consequences if your actions go beyond what you’ve agreed upon and escalate to the point of a true rape.

How Do We Go About Carrying Out a Rape Fantasy Scenario?

There are a variety of things to consider when you begin discussing how to carry out a rape fantasy. First and foremost in your mind should be communication with your partner. I’ll explain below how to bring this up with a partner, but assuming you have and wish to move to putting it into action, you need to work out some details. You therefore need to have a good line of emotional and communicative connectivity to your partner.

The first issue you’ll need to discuss is what I call scope of play. Decide what is off limits and what is not off limits. You’ll want to talk about safe words or safe actions that can be used to stop play (by either partner), as well as any safe sex practices you want to incorporate. Some women will want to be physically abused (e.g., being slapped, beaten, choked out, etc.), whereas others will simply want to be tied up and fucked. Here are some specifics you’ll need to consider:

  • Where will it be okay to play? Her house? Her office? You want to avoid using public spaces to do this kind of thing as a general rule. If someone calls the police, you’re going to have some explaining to do, and it’s going to be quite embarrassing for you. Even if you’re not charged with rape, you could be cited for disturbing the peace, indecent exposure, or any number of other crimes depending upon the jurisdiction. If a home is to be the scene, ensure there aren’t going to be any children around!
  • The times of day that are acceptable? Generally these are done at night, but that doesn’t have to be the case. If you’re going to “case” the victim’s house, you’ll want to be careful in that you don’t raise the suspicion of the neighbors (who might call the police about a prowler, etc.). One exciting element I’ve used is to provide a window within which the attack may occur, say from 8AM on Monday through midnight on Friday. This adds a greater element of surprise into it in that you never know when it’s going to occur.
  • What safe sex practices are going to be used, if any? A typical “real” rape won’t involve condoms or other safe sex practices, so you’ll need to discuss how much reality you’re willing to allow.
  • What other implements will you need? Handcuffs (I’d recommend the velcro kind, so she can escape if you keel over and die. Also, real cuffs can hurt the wrists as they’re pulled apart during a struggle); tape or a gag for the mouth (avoid duct tape – it’ll peel skin off when you try to remove it); a “weapon” of some kind if you want.
  • Safe words. You need a specific word, something other than “no” or “stop” or those kinds of words. The word needs to be easily remembered. You should also consider a visual sign in case the “victim” is gagged or has a cock shoved down her throat and can’t speak. Personally I use the Vulcan hand greeting (the two fingers by two fingers forming into a V), or three quick taps to the leg, butt, or back of whomever’s got his or her cock inside me. Perhaps the most critical thing to understand when you get to the point of carrying out one of these fantasies is that a safe word means a full, complete stop. Period. If the victim uses the safe word/sign and the attacker doesn’t stop, you’ve moved from fantasy into a real rape at that point.

One point to keep in mind is that it is possible to “over construct” a rape fantasy scenario. While “real” rapes are often planned out to an extent, to make the scenario more realistic, the attacker should improvise as he’s carrying out the rape, using whatever tools and implements he will have at his disposal in the environment within which the rape is carried out. For example, rather than carrying something specifically to gag her, use the panties you tear off her, blindfold her with her shirt, etc. It’s important to plan out the basics, but don’t overthink it. That eliminates much of the spontaneity and the “fun” of the whole ordeal.

What’s the Difference Between Rape Fantasy and a Standard BDSM Scenario?

There are quite a few differences, but basically BDSM is more about psychological dominance, whereas rape is mostly about physical dominance (though there can be a psychological component involved if desired). A typical BDSM scene has more of a rhythm and purpose to it than a rape does; a rape is spur of the moment, unplanned, overwhelmingly aggressive in a “mean” way whereas the standard BDSM activities just aren’t structured in that manner. BDSM scenes often involved ritualized rape, but that’s  subject for a whole other conversation.

As a Woman, How Do I Tell My Partner I Have a Rape Fantasy?

This is going to be tricky, unless you and your partner are into “rape” or rough sex genres of porn. If that’s the case, it should only be a matter of discussing acting out what you’ve seen in the videos. The fact that you want to act out something you’ve seen in what you’ve been watching should come as no surprise to anyone except perhaps the most naive and clueless of partners.

If it’s not something you’ve discussed or hinted at (i.e., if this is going to come out of the clear blue), you need to be in a relationship configuration where you have a good line of communication with your partner. I would recommend starting out by discussing your desire to be a bit more rough or aggressive in your daily sex life, and then working your way through more and more aggressive scenarios until you’ve gone as far as you can without actually engaging in a rape play. That may take some time, but quite frankly (at least, in my opinion), you need to be well versed in rough sex play before you get into rape play anyway.

As a woman, you do need to be prepared for some pushback if you’re with a newer partner, or a partner who has certain types of philosophies about how men view and treat women. One guy I was seeing for a while couldn’t “go there” with rape play because he was taught to treat women with respect and so forth. Obviously, there’s nothing “wrong” with that, but if rape play is one of those things you crave (and let’s be honest, some of us do crave this kind of sex), then you’re going to find some compatibility problems. Only you can decide how serious those are. Bringing this up to a partner who finds it detestable may result in some damage to your relationship, to include an immediate termination thereof. This is one of those things where you just have to have a good read on the person you’re wanting to play with.

As a Man, How Do I Tell My Partner I Want to “Rape” Her as Fantasy Role Play?

This scenario is even more fraught with the potential to explode. You run the risk of alienating your partner if you just bring this up out of the clear blue. Again, if you have a sexual relationship that involves rough, aggressive sex, or if you watch porn involving that kind of sex or sexual rape fantasy scenarios, then it becomes a bit easier.

One of the main problems with a guy bringing this up is that you may not be aware of any past trauma your partner may have experienced. As many as 1/3 of all women have been raped or sexually assaulted in their lives, and many will never divulge this to their partners (for a variety of reasons). So your “out of the blue” bringing this subject up may open up some old wounds that are best left alone.

Perhaps the best way to guide a partner into this is similar to what I described above for woman – introduce her to some rougher or more aggressive flavors of sex. If she’s receptive to this, gradually increase the intensity (with her permission, of course), and incorporate some restraint(s) and “rapey” type behavior (again, do this very gradually). If she’s willingly engaging in this kind of sex, then you might consider bringing up the subject of a forced sex scenario. I’d avoid using the word “rape” initially, unless you guys have talked about the subject of rape and you know it’s not a trigger for her.

Rape Fantasy Play Involving Strangers/Random Hookups

An alternative to playing with a partner is through the cooperation of a stranger or random hookup. I don’t think I have to expend too much effort explaining all of he potential things that could go wrong here, and I hesitate to even bring it up. But I have seen people ask questions on forums and other social websites regarding how to find someone to “rape” them, so at least a cursory discussion is warranted.

Finding someone to do this will be hard, largely because anyone with any sense realizes that it could be a trap, or that, even if it’s not a trap, the “victim” could later recant and claim that it was an actual rape. I’d recommend using a dating or social site that verifies identities of those who use it if you elect to go this route.

If you and a stranger decide to go through with something like this, arrange a video chat and record it. As a part of this, discuss what you want to happen, the guidelines and limitations, and the fact that you’re both consenting to what’s about to take place. Keep in mind that in some places (especially in countries other than the U.S.), consent to being “raped” doesn’t exist. That means the person doing the attacking can be legally charged with a crime even if the “victim” tells the authorities that it was an arrangement and that she consented to everything that happened.

I highly, highly recommend against using a stranger to carry out this kind of scenario in the absence of some controls or verifications of authenticity of those involved (from both sides).

Possible Scenarios

Once you’ve decided to go through with this sort of thing, and have set the boundaries, you’ll want to discuss a specific scenario in some cases. Perhaps you wish to leave it open ended and allow the “rapist” to attack you whenever and wherever, and that’s fine. These scenarios are provided simply to foment discussion between you and your partner and to give you some ideas for things you might try.

  • Home Attack: This is perhaps the easiest to pull off and the least fraught with potential issues. This simply involved the rapist “breaking in” to the victim’s house and carrying out the attack. Unless you get really wild and noisy, or attract some undue attention while breaking in, you shouldn’t have to worry about causing yourself any problems as a result of neighbors or a random police patrol.
  • Work Attack: This is likely only feasible in a situation where the victim is the owner of a business or owns/works in a facility that doesn’t have security monitoring equipment or other people around. If you work in a typical office setting, it’s a safe bet that there are video cameras around that might capture anything you do, which could land you in trouble from an employment standpoint as well as a legal standpoint.
  • Jogging Attack: This involves authorizing the attack somewhere along a jogging route. Your attacker simply lies in wait for you to come by, then “abducts” you into the woods, rapes you, and leaves you there (be sure and work out how you’re going to get home). Again, this is one of those situations where some undue attention by a passerby might create legal issues for you, so if you elect to use this, do so where you know you’ll have some privacy.
  • Other Abduction Attacks: You can construct any number of possible scenarios using a public abduction. Perhaps a van parked next to the victim’s vehicle in a shop parking lot (park a good ways out so you won’t attract attention – keep in mind possible security cameras). This is a common method for carrying out real rapes, in fact. A rapist will park a van next to a woman’s driver’s side door and when she returns to the vehicle, she’s pulled into the van and driven off. This particular scenario is great for gang rapes.

After Care

If this is this first time you’ve engaged in rape play, it is possible you might need what those in the BDSM community call “after care.” After care is the process of comforting one another and taking care of any emotional or perhaps physical after effects of your sex play. This is especially important if it’s your first time engaging in this sort of activity with a significant other. Connect with each other, comfort one another, make sure both of you are okay, etc. When the adrenaline has worn off a day or two later, you’ll want to talk about how things went, whether or not you want to try it again (or something like it), what you’d want to do differently, etc. Again, communication with your partner is vital. If you’re doing rape play with a stranger or non-SO, you may wish to consider having a close friend in whom you can confide, and who can serve as a check for you afterward to make sure you’re okay.


Rape fantasies, or forced sex fantasies, can add a wildly fantastic new dimension to your sex life, especially if you’re already a big fan of rough, aggressive sex. If you elect to try this kind of thing, though, it is important to select a partner who’ll work with you and with whom you can communicate effectively to ensure that you don’t get hurt, and that your “rapist” doesn’t suffer any negative emotional issues from having taken you by force. Once you’ve made the decision to do it, it then becomes important to construct a scenario that is safe for both (or all) of you, and that doesn’t involve any potential legal pitfalls. Much of this is common sense, and hopefully this short how-to guide will assist you in exploring this aspect of your sexuality.


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